Channeling the F-Word: It’s Not What You Think

After a weekend of playing the female Dr. Drew, where I believe to be almost equally knowledgeable about sex and relationships, I had to blog about it all. Oh, I know you winced when you read that, but come on, it is not that hard to give practical advice to friends on these subjects- I am 24 years-old! I have lived it. Fortunately for you, I am here to spread my advice to the world wide web like I would put butter on a pancake. You are getting lots of it! Without sounding too preachy, I have to vent a little. I feel that disrespect is plaguing both growing relationships and those which have ended. Where is the possibility for recovery between two exes? Why is always one half of the broken relationship too stubborn to establish closure? It comes down to arrogance and disrespect.

We see it in movies, hear it in our favorite songs, read about it in books and experience it firsthand. Heartbreak is everywhere, and it happens all the time. The more we try to occupy ourselves to keep from thinking of the pain, the more it finds a way to creep back in. Although I highly suggest staying busy and keeping your mind active, you first need to make the situation right so you can completely enjoy what you are doing. Your new adventures in pottery or badminton will only result in an hour long of pottery or badminton with ex-douche on the brain.

The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -Mohandas Gandhi 

We all have those friends who continuously try to help get you out of that funk you have been in for too long, but only a bad joke or some silly 90’s pop song can temporarily break the pout from off your face. Heads up to those giving the advice, your pal is listening. Nights out, school days and work help to prevent over-thinking, but eventually we are alone with ourselves. When we finally have our moments of clarity, where we feel proud about making small steps towards moving on, the moment is gone.

There has to come a time, though, when you realize that enough is enough. Sulking over your recent analysis of the past relationship adds nothing more than a great big heaping amount of fuel to the fire. I have noticed that a lot of the people I talk to about this particular matter feel there are too many qualifications needed by an ex to be forgiven. They all seem to think there should be verbal closure between the heart breaker and heart broken; the extension of an olive branch, if you will. However, I feel that freedom from your past requires no qualifications at all, and that forgiveness should be given to any one predicament which has wrecked you until this present day.

I was watching television last night when one of the character’s stated, “It is proving a lot harder than I thought to be the bigger person in this situation.” Yes, you are absolutely correct, sister! In any painful breakup, rising above and finding the maturity to forgive is tough as hell. No matter how you were let down, betrayed or figuratively stomped on, the only way to keep from gouging your eyes out any longer is to have a sit down. No, not like the ones you have when you stare at his or her Facebook page and critique every piece of Recent Activity, I mean, get real with the actuality of how everything is unfolding, and the progression of your mental state of mind- if it is even progressing at all.

It is entirely too easy to blame yourself for whatever went wrong, and even easier to name-call your ex (whether it is an ex lover or friend). Forget all the bullshit, and forget it now. How they think and feel at this very moment should mean nothing to you, because how you have been thinking and feeling since the breakup obviously means nothing to them. I always tell myself, “if he wants to, he will,” and have passed this catchy little self-help phrase along to many a friend who have found it useful. Forcing feelings upon someone else is probably part of the reason said relationship ended on a sour note, anyway.

I understand the pain in accepting the fact that you and the ex are at the end of the rope. It is too easy to compare this time of year with the last, new lovers with yourself; it is excruciating to think about the potential of a future and the qualities you would have brought to the this person’s life.

The start to “just getting over it,” is to forgive- and in many breakup situations, to forget should follow. Normally, I would always say to give someone a chance to redeem themselves, but this post is about how you have tried endlessly to make amends, while they have given you a stone cold reception to that idea. There are no rules on how, when or why to forgive. You do not have to call or e-mail this person, but simply get yourself alone and grant yourself time to clear your head. Talk out loud or play the words in your mind. Forgive them for moving on, even if they have never made any effort to apologize for uprooting a relationship that could have been mended with patience and dedication. Forgive them for never understanding your questions, your tears or your love for them as a person … as a friend. 

You can only try for so long before you make yourself look needy and desperate in their eyes. Of course, you are not. You are probably being more rational than at your strongest moment. After spending days and weeks lying in upset, you see the rights and wrongs of this broken relationship clearer than the other, which most likely results from their ego, or the inability to uphold the respect they gave you when the relationship was working. However, you know them. You know that they will not try to build something again no matter how persistent you stay. So gear up towards moving on the right way. 

One of my favorite lyric phrases states that “there is beauty in the breakdown,” and I surely believe this to be true. Without damaged relationships and heartbreak, would we ever feel so helpless and learn how to build ourselves back up again? There is a different type of hope and drive here that only heartache can develop. While moving on is much easier said than done, the first step is forgiveness, to yourself for ever feeling stupid about caring too much, and to the other person for choosing to move on in a short life without your smile, laughter and kindness.

Take the advice that is normally thrown around the room, bouncing from wall to wall, and let it settle in your brain where it belongs. There is a big world out there, and getting right with yourself will help you enjoy it on this new day.

If you want more on this topic, head over to where my chica, Zoë, shares her take on forgiveness!

12 thoughts on “Channeling the F-Word: It’s Not What You Think

  1. This is amazing advice. Of course forgiveness is essential though so difficult to accomplish. I haven’t quite gotten to that stage with my ex yet but I’ve found breaking off all contact has helped. Out of sight out of mind. Step in the direction at least!

  2. One of the hardest-hitting lessons on forgiveness is watching someone else get burned but forgive anyway … makes you feel like you could and should be a better person, too.

    PS: Love that image of the balloon!

  3. Relationships, when you are in them and out of them, carry many emotions. I have found the critical concept is to experience the emotions, whether I like them or not, rather than judge these acceptable and these unacceptable. Elation to despair, and all emotions in between, give vitality to life. It may seem ironic to “enjoy” being miserable after a loss, but this is more authentic then expecting that bonding will only bring desirable emotions. I recall, when I was about your age, I was grieving the loss of a relationship. I made a cassette tape (yeah, dates me) of every heartbreak song I could find from my album (yeah, dates me) collection. I started with Elvis’ “Heartbreak Hotel” to the Stray Cats “I’ve been cheated on” (yeah, dates me). Driving to that tape, let lots of tears pass until I could realize that I could let go and forgive her, not for leaving, but for being honest that holding on would not lead to growth in our relationship.

  4. Fashionably late to the party! The usual, you know.

    Aside from abuse, which requires a different healing process entirely, you’re right. It’s the other end of the spectrum from being that person, in a brand spanking new relationship, who is waaay too happy. They only talk about one thing.

    Both positions on the darker end are hard to be on. It’s difficult to be that friend after awhile. Instances of divorce after so many years of marriage, okay, I get it. That’s going to take awhile. But, when a person has only been with another person for six months? Please. They were hardly the love of your life.

    I don’t want to discredit anyone’s feelings here. Bereavement is absolutely natural, and would be worrisome if it didn’t happen. But, there comes a time when a person has to pull up their big girl panties / big boy undies, and move on. Usually, there is some kind of indication in advance of the breakup suggesting that it is over. There was plenty of time for the brain the adjust to the idea of life without that partner.

  5. “There is Beauty in the Breakdown,” what is that from? I swear I have heard it in some song before, but of course now I can not pick the song out.

    This is a great post, honest and helpful. It is funny that is very simular to the advice I give others and when I was going through rough patches wish others gave me… I guess I shoudl have taken my own advice. I also think this can apply to a lot of things outside of the person whom you were dating.

    I may be a late comer to your blog, but you’ve got me hooked.

    • Hey there! Those lyrics are from Frou Frou’s song “Let Go.” It’s a goodie, but a little depressing lol. Advice seems easy to give sometimes, and a lot harder to take. But as long as we are able to communicate openly about our hurt, it makes it a little easier to trudge on (knowing we have people on our side). Relationships are WORK! Thanks for reading this post. I appreciate the feedback:)

Tell me what you think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s