Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Snooping is not for the faint of heart. When we were younger, poking around was fun. I did it all the time to my sisters; I read their diaries and listened quietly on the other end of the phone to learn juicy middle school gossip. All was innocent and youthful meddling. But should we cut ourselves off from snooping at a certain age, or a particular point in a relationship? That answer depends on if you are emotionally ready to handle whatever you may find.

Trust is a top-ranking quality we look for in friends and potential significant others. If we feel we do have trust in our partners, what still gives us the urge to look through phones, attempt password hacks, or delve into a full-fledged Facebook investigation? I still do a little snoop action from time to time. Situations oftentimes trigger me to inquire further information; a habit I’d like to let go.

The strangest thing about snooping is that when we are in the act, there is almost this sick part of us that wants to find something wrong. We want some kind of twisted validation for spying on the man or woman we love. Which leads me to this story my girl friend, Jane*, was telling me over dinner on Saturday night.

She has been intimate with her good friend for over a year, but they are not exclusive to one another. I know him well and from what she tells me and from what I see, the two of them really care about each other. Jane feels completely fulfilled by this guy, physically, so she does not date around or engage in sexual activity with others. What he does, neither I nor Jane know.  checkingbfcell

So when she told me that she was able to get into his phone one night after he fell asleep, I knew the rest of the conversation was going to suck. I nervously chugged my glass of wine because I am somewhat awful at relationship advice.

Jane read a group text message between her guy and his two friends (whom she had never met). The guy who Jane had been in love with for over a year was telling his friends about an intimate encounter the two of them had engaged in. The random sexual romp was unique, so she knew it was about her, and upon reading more, that thought was solidified when he quoted something in particular she had said before the action went down. The kicker was when he referred to her as “this chick.” He followed the story with “hahaha,” comparing it to some high school memories, in which his friends responded with an over-abundance of LOL’s. One friend concluded the pathetic conversation saying he “remembered those days.”

Jane cannot say anything to her guy because then he will know she snooped through his phone, violating his privacy. On the other hand, she feels violated and disrespected. Not only do his friends not know about her, but a private moment they had mutually enjoyed was being championed around like a victory some frat boys would high-five over. When is it time to stop kissing and telling? Is it still okay to share tidbits of sexy gossip if it is done respectfully; by referring to your lover by who and what they truly are?

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My 2 qualms with this tacky text:

He's 28 years-old. 

There is no reason for a man his age to be engaging in teenage-like group texts. He should have more respect for her as a woman, and as a friend. There is an age when we need to leave behaviors behind, and gossiping, especially for a guy, is an insane turn-off.

He says one thing and does another

Jane told me they are in love and profess this to each other regularly. Does comparing high school sex to the sex you have with a partner you look in the eyes and claim love for qualify as such?

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Was it wrong for Jane to look through her man’s phone? If they are not in an exclusive relationship, does that give him the right to discuss whatever he would like with his friends? And more importantly, how does Jane move on from thinking that she is just a chick who wanted to please someone she loved by being spontaneously sexual?

Snooping can be emotionally dangerous; it is a type of self-inflicting pain that draws us in time and time again. However, most people who do it feel it is necessary for whatever reason. Whether we continue to give in to these acts depends on how confident and comfortable we are in our relationships. Maybe when we find ourselves needing to know more, we should just know to move on.

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A Tasteful Take on How to Own Your Sexiness: New Year Edition

There’s a difference between embracing the true sexual nature of your being and just acting like your private parts are a 24/7 convenience store. The former speaks volumes about our personalities, positively. When a man or woman owns their body and swagger, it comes across natural, confident and beautiful… traits which are desirable for the right reasons.

Unfortunately, in these days, it is fairly easy to spot people who try too hard to be overly sexual. Those people should know as much as you and I that depth of sexuality is something you get from loving yourself and being open to change. While rampant promiscuity will get you some labels, sexy isn’t one of them.

So aside from losing weight and aspiring to get a better job in 2014, I suggest you try what I like to call “sub-resolutions.” In time, all will help you develop a healthier, sexier self image which will subsequently improve your love life.

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Learn the art of pleasuring thy self

There are three types of people: those who openly admit they masturbate, those who claim they never do it, and those who lie about. Not everyone is comfortable discussing such things, and that’s okay. But knowing that it’s completely normal to want to do it is a good first step. Nothing brings you deeper into your mind and thoughts than the power of personal touch. You know what you like and you know what makes you feel best. You don’t have to instruct anyone on how to do it, when to do it or where to do it. So why do so many women claim they never please themselves? Unless it’s something in your personal beliefs, there’s no reason not to explore yourself.

It’s your beautiful body and it holds so much potential for pleasure, and not just on a physical level. Sometimes it’s important to try to get yourself to that place by using just the power of your mind- no computer images or videos. When you learn to work yourself to the max, only then can someone else hold a light to what you already know you can accomplish on your own.

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Initiate romance

I personally feel that most women rely on their man to bring home flowers, take them out on a great date or even begin the bedtime fun. Obviously I can’t speak for all ladies, but it’s time to turn the tables and be the dominant one in the relationship if only for the night. Women and men both love to have a certain security in a relationship; physical, financial and emotional. If you find yourself the submissive member in the relationship, think how fun it would be to surprise your partner with something out of the ordinary.

Cook a meal or make a reservation, give a back massage followed by sex that you started. Breaking out of the shell of expectations and surprise yourself and your partner with something new and exciting. Maybe you will be showing your other half how invested you are in them, but all the while you are also building your self-worth. You are proving to yourself that you can hold it down for a night with seemingly no effort. I can promise that a whole lot of sexiness will come from just cooking a good steak dinner.

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Embrace your sexual preferences

If you’re all there in the head (there are laws!) then go ahead and do that crazy, freak-nasty thing you saw on some website. Just because it’s porn or it’s online doesn’t make you some exception to the rule. You can do it, too. Have fun with the one you feel secure trying new things with. If you realize afterward that it’s more fun to just watch complete strangers do on the internet, you never have to do it again!  There’s no shame it exploring the capacity of your sexuality. Most of the time your partner will be willing to try it, especially if he or she knows you find pleasure in it. This sub-resolution especially applies to the women and men out there who are suffering from boring sex behind closed doors. If you’re not having sex in general, I’m not sure whips and chains will improve that. But if you are getting a little tired of the vanilla and want some Neapolitan, then go buy that ceiling harness you’ve fantasized about for a year… or maybe take it down 10 notches with some whipped cream. Not you or your partner should ever try to exceed boundaries, which is why you should do these things with someone you are comfortable with. When you are in control of the concept of how you deserve to physically feel, you graduate to a new level of sexy.

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Sex yourself up

Without running the risk of attributing this particular “sub-resolution” to every synonym for classless, I must state that it’s absolutely acceptable to take a walk on the wild side with the vocab you use about yourself and how you want to be. Sexing yourself up means you are going to put on the outfit in your closet that makes you feel beautiful- whether it’s jeans and your favorite t-shirt with a red lip and some heels, or guys, if it’s that v-neck that shows the chest hair you’re always complaining about… embrace it.

Girls in short skirts and low-cut tops are fun to ogle at for time, but let’s be real for a moment. There’s been an average low of minus freeze-your-face-off-just-getting-the-mail lately. Those outfits don’t cut it in the winter, and in general, it’s kind of boring to see nowadays. Take all of your awesome personality and transform into a physical art form, expression through style. How you work what you wear, your hair, your smell, your walk… that moves mountains over a short skirt and ditzy personality. If you feel like you are the definition of what a supermodel should be, people will believe it, but most importantly… you fucking believe it. See how far it goes. Confidence is everything. 

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