Being Anti-Kardashian in A Pro-Kardashian World

I planned it all out last night: wake up earlier and post a blog declaring my hatred for Kim Kardashian’s new Paper Magazine cover photo. I could have blogged about my trip to Vermont, my decision to continue on to graduate school, or my plans to knit a friggen sweater. Instead, I’m blogging about why society shouldn’t pay Kimmy K. attention as I give Kimmy K. attention.

Disclaimer: I do realize that I am part of the problem. 

Capture1And I don’t want to be a part of that problem anymore but the need to constantly run my mouth about the talentless Kardashian klan is compelling. I mean, since they are not going anywhere, someone has to do it. There must be a balance between the fans and the anti-fans, or else this semi-honorable society as we know it is over. I understand that Kim is, in parts, a model, but no one should be force-fed brainless celebrities this much. It’s dangerous.

I was preparing for my anthropology presentation on Zambia yesterday when a group of students sitting next to my table started on and on and on about that photoshoot. (I had to Google whether or not photoshoot was, by English language standards, one or two words and the first thing that came up was…. guess!) Anyway, the students were praising whatsherface for “ignoring the haters.” I began recounting statistics about Zambia’s extremely high infant mortality rates over the background noises of Kim this, and Kim that. You know that little thermometer in cartoons that fills up red as the character’s anger increases? Okay. “I hope I look like that when I’m a mother!” They continued. Children could walk up to 20 miles a day for clean water; many die from diarrhea because the water is so polluted. The red line shoots up five notches on the fictional anger gauge. “Kris Jenner looks so good for her age.” Elderly women are left to die of starvation because of their children’s intentional neglect. The gauge explodes and I pack up my shit to study in the beautiful warm weather that Connecticut is known for in November.

“With great power comes great responsibility,” Uncle Ben told Peter Parker.

Money equals power and power equals the huge capacity to do good for those less fortunate. The grand-scale of Kardashian wealth is sickening consider their lack of talent, and would prompt many to believe that with so much money, they’d actualy do something good with it. Imagine how far $10,000 USD could go in a country like Zambia. That’s a dress, a night out, a one-night stay in a hotel for some celebrities, clean water, clothing, food for whole populations elsewhere.

I was now shivering, huddled under my parka, damming the Kim-crazed students who drew me from the warmth of the library. I was wondering if all this time spent bashing Kim, there was some redeeming moment of charity of hers that I was ignorant of, I doubted it. I was seeing it all play out in my head… (cue harps and daydream bubbles)… if I were rich. “Give to the people!” Like, duh, isn’t that what we all promise to do as we walk out of the convenience store with 15 Powerball tickets? We would do: this, and this, and this, and this, and maybe buy ourselves something, too.

“Sarah, you’re getting way off track and you’re going to start your presentation quoting Spiderman and admitting your addiction to Powerball and the entire class is going to laugh or be scared.” See Kim! Look what you started here.

Class came and I channeled my inner-smart girl. I forgot all about Kim’s big ol’ photoshopped ass and my far-fetched plans from Powerball winnings and properly presented a wonderfully organized lecture on the more pressing matters in life.

But when I leave again it’s back to a Kim-obsessed world. I can’t check out of the grocery store with a roll of toilet paper without seeing a pair of soul-less Kardashian eyes staring back at me from one of the ten tabloids they monopolize. I sickeningly wonder what brand of toilet paper they prefer. Are their literal money-making asses too good for the wonderfully soft Charmin? Is their toilet paper hand-rolled by the most delicate of children’s hands, all of whom passed a rigorous interviewing process by Dictator Kris Jenner herself? Do they even poop? Okay, enough Sarah, they get it. 

For obvious reasons, the cup wouldn't stay on my butt. Is the back still sexy?

For obvious reasons, the cup wouldn’t stay on my butt. Is the back still sexy?

And the more we hate, the more Kimmy is relevant. #BreakTheInternet is one of the many examples of how much the world’s Queen of Good-At-Nothing doesn’t give a damn about our criticisms. It’s all money in the bank.

With the relentlessness of Kardashian fame, we have to look to ourselves as the problem. I am the problem for blogging about them. Tabloids are the problem for putting them on covers and people are the problem for buying them.

Marilyn Monroe, Jackie Onassis Kennedy, Anna Nicole Smith, Kim Kardashian. While a few of those ladies were tormented with inner struggles and public personal problems, one simply does not belong. Should I make it to my senior years, God willing, and look back on the icon of my generation, I surely won’t be looking back on anything substantial at all.