In light of a slew of recent relationship problems amongst people I know, as well as issues I come across on social networks, I am posting a blog reminiscent of sarah On The Go past. Gather ’round, kids, it is time for Sarah’s point of view… my favorite point of view.

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10. Make time for one another

Surprisingly, the world does not revolve around your schedule. I get it, you work and… whatever. Get in your car and get down to that person if it means making he/she happy, especially if you are the one complaining you do not spend enough time together. Um, totally fixable. Pedal to the metal, my friend.

9. Put the effin’ phone down

As important as you think you are, I swear your fanbase won’t cry during that hour of dinner. It is as simple as this: the phone can wait. Go to the bathroom and do it if you have to, but if you have to, you are likely a tool.

8. Refrain from complimenting other good-looking individuals

Duh? No, apparently not. I hear about the guys doing this more than the ladies, but it goes for both of you. What on this planet makes you think your date wants to hear about the swarms of smokin’ hot bitches you had last summer, in college… throughout your entire post-pubescent life? Keep that immature fratboy-esque chatter out of your date conversation, it is beyond rude.

We get it, she’s hot.

7. Stop holding your ex accountable

That last relationship is over and done with, so move it along! Always worrying about what the other is doing, ie: trust issues, and relationship-gone-wrong-in-the-past-induced-paranoia will not get you anywhere but alone on a Friday night with lots of ice cream and a cat or ten. As much as I love nights in, mint chip ice cream and feline friends, socializing with my boy is lots more fun! You have heard it before, “your ex is an ex for a reason.” Amen!

6. Chivalry aint dead

Boys, this is so for you. I have always been an advocate for old-fashioned dating. As an outsider, if I see a guy walk into a building before his girl, I swear to the Lord above I will call you out. You do not, however, need to feed your date and/or walk them to the little girl’s room, but paying more often than not is necessary. Once (and if) the two of you are official, she can open her wallet. Kiss her on the cheek goodnight, don’t expect so much and be a gentleman- it goes a long way.

5. Quit reciting eHarmony commercials

I certainly would not want to hear anyone sit there and bore me about the 1,000 qualities they look for in a person. “Genuine, caring, driven, down-to-earth…” zZZZZz. I could not imagine trying to have a real, hearty conversation if it starts like this. So you like girls that are a thesaurus worth of the word fun? You, my dear, are the opposite.

Vom.

4. Accept some jealousy

With hundreds of sit-downs with friends over this very topic under my belt, I  have learned that jealousy is definitely all right- to an extent. If you have some chick posting all over your Facebook wall and your new lady is upset about it, why would you try to make her feel like she is not just to feel that way. Jealousy is a natural feeling when us humans are diggin’ someone. Making the other person out to be crazy is fucking annoying and not compassionate in the slightest.

Should I add professional Facebook stalker to my resume?

3. Don’t judge a book by its cover

Finally the master cliche has arrived. Assuming your new date is the perfect specimen for dating is cuckoo. We all have our issues, we all have a past and we certainly are all not perfect. If you already had a little bit of an issue or quarrel, let it go and try not to judge him/her based on that entirely. People are sensitive beings and it is easy to say irrational things out of hurt or anger. Let things go!

2. Avoid wasting each other’s time

If the two of you have been seeing each other for more than a month, it is presumed that having a conversation about each of your futures as separates is expected, as it should be comfortable. Does he/she just want to date (while they date others)? Do they want to eventually have a more serious relationship? Are they never looking to settle down the way you are? These are questions you need to ask yourself before investing a lot of emotion into someone who could potentially be wasting your time. There is always the “friends-only” option.

1. Embrace things that the other likes

Just because you do not listen to that odd band your girl likes, doesn’t mean she is the only fan in the world. Go to a show with her. If you do not like sports but your dude does, get your ass to a baseball game. Fun is to be had everywhere. If we were all alike, the world would be a very boring place. There is a lot to learn from people, and it may just be that quirky hobby your new beau loves that drives you crazier for them.

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If you like this post, try this one: http://sarahonthego.com/2012/03/06/10-commandments-of-social-situations/

The 10 Commandments of Social Situations

We see it in movies, hear it in our favorite songs, read about it in books and experience it firsthand. Heartbreak is everywhere, and it happens all the time. The more we try to occupy ourselves to keep from thinking of the pain, the more it finds a way to creep back in. Although I highly suggest staying busy and keeping your mind active, you first need to make the situation right so you can completely enjoy what you are doing. Your new adventures in pottery or badminton will only result in an hour long of pottery or badminton with ex-douche on the brain.

The weak can never forgive, forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -Mohandas Gandhi 

We all have those friends who continuously try to help get you out of that funk you have been in for too long, but only a bad joke or some silly 90′s pop song can temporarily break the pout from off your face. Heads up to those giving the advice, your pal is listening. Nights out, school days and work help to prevent over-thinking, but eventually we are alone with ourselves. When we finally have our moments of clarity, where we feel proud about making small steps towards moving on, the moment is gone.

There has to come a time, though, when you realize that enough is enough. Sulking over your recent analysis of the past relationship adds nothing more than a great big heaping amount of fuel to the fire. I have noticed that a lot of the people I talk to about this particular matter feel there are too many qualifications needed by an ex to be forgiven. They all seem to think there should be verbal closure between the heart breaker and heart broken; the extension of an olive branch, if you will. However, I feel that freedom from your past requires no qualifications at all, and that forgiveness should be given to any one predicament which has wrecked you until this present day.

I was watching television last night when one of the character’s stated, “It is proving a lot harder than I thought to be the bigger person in this situation.” Yes, you are absolutely correct, sister! In any painful breakup, rising above and finding the maturity to forgive is tough as hell. No matter how you were let down, betrayed or figuratively stomped on, the only way to keep from gouging your eyes out any longer is to have a sit down. No, not like the ones you have when you stare at his or her Facebook page and critique every piece of Recent Activity, I mean, get real with the actuality of how everything is unfolding, and the progression of your mental state of mind- if it is even progressing at all.

It is entirely too easy to blame yourself for whatever went wrong, and even easier to name-call your ex (whether it is an ex lover or friend). Forget all the bullshit, and forget it now. How they think and feel at this very moment should mean nothing to you, because how you have been thinking and feeling since the breakup obviously means nothing to them. I always tell myself, “if he wants to, he will,” and have passed this catchy little self-help phrase along to many a friend who have found it useful. Forcing feelings upon someone else is probably part of the reason said relationship ended on a sour note, anyway.

I understand the pain in accepting the fact that you and the ex are at the end of the rope. It is too easy to compare this time of year with the last, new lovers with yourself; it is excruciating to think about the potential of a future and the qualities you would have brought to the this person’s life.

The start to “just getting over it,” is to forgive- and in many breakup situations, to forget should follow. Normally, I would always say to give someone a chance to redeem themselves, but this post is about how you have tried endlessly to make amends, while they have given you a stone cold reception to that idea. There are no rules on how, when or why to forgive. You do not have to call or e-mail this person, but simply get yourself alone and grant yourself time to clear your head. Talk out loud or play the words in your mind. Forgive them for moving on, even if they have never made any effort to apologize for uprooting a relationship that could have been mended with patience and dedication. Forgive them for never understanding your questions, your tears or your love for them as a person … as a friend. 

You can only try for so long before you make yourself look needy and desperate in their eyes. Of course, you are not. You are probably being more rational than at your strongest moment. After spending days and weeks lying in upset, you see the rights and wrongs of this broken relationship clearer than the other, which most likely results from their ego, or the inability to uphold the respect they gave you when the relationship was working. However, you know them. You know that they will not try to build something again no matter how persistent you stay. So gear up towards moving on the right way. 

One of my favorite lyric phrases states that “there is beauty in the breakdown,” and I surely believe this to be true. Without damaged relationships and heartbreak, would we ever feel so helpless and learn how to build ourselves back up again? There is a different type of hope and drive here that only heartache can develop. While moving on is much easier said than done, the first step is forgiveness, to yourself for ever feeling stupid about caring too much, and to the other person for choosing to move on in a short life without your smile, laughter and kindness.

Take the advice that is normally thrown around the room, bouncing from wall to wall, and let it settle in your brain where it belongs. There is a big world out there, and getting right with yourself will help you enjoy it on this new day.

If you want more on this topic, head over to SexyTofu.com where my chica, Zoë, shares her take on forgiveness!

Unfortunately, relationships do not always remain as simple as they were when we were 10 years-old. The people we love, as well as ourselves, meet others who influence decisions and behaviors. We may not always approve of the people who come into our friends or family members’ lives, but we try to tolerate them the best we can out of respect. Honestly, though, how long are we really suppose to pretend we are happy seeing someone we love go down the wrong path?

Myself, my sister Rachel (center) and my sister Tina (right) back in the day

As of lately, I have been coming across situations where people who are extremely close to me feel that my opinion does not matter. They swear they are mature enough to make decisions for themselves which are apparently no good for their life; decisions which are burdening their health, their success and their future as anything productive in this world. I would not interfere if I did not see particular people to be hazardous to them. The warning signs are there, but they choose to ignore them and everyone around who disagrees with them. Why do I not qualify for certain peoples’ time? Do years of intimate relationships, sisterhood, best friendship mean nothing? How could anyone else, someone who has been around for the blink of an eye, take precedent over our important relationship? I am so sick and tired of it. On top of it all, I have been constantly judged for a ton of mistakes I made years ago. I cannot describe the betrayal and pain I feel when things that are so far behind me are brought to my attention, just when I feel I am making enormous progress with my personal self and growth. These are accomplishments that I would have hoped some people would have stuck around to see. Progression that those same people helped instill in me. The few people who I presently feel this way about would be so proud to see that I took their advice. But they are currently too busy in their corner being callous and insensitive; as if they forgot how important I was in their life.

There are those relationships that have been broken that we learn to move on from, but what about the ones that we know we cannot let go of? Those which are too important to let go of? How do we get back the trust, love and companionship of someone who used to be so close to us? I have no advice. I really just want to know the answer.

Chris and myself on our Florida trip in 2004

So of course, upon the over-analyzing of my fading and failing relationships, I began to think about all of the friends that have come and gone, especially of those who were by my side despite my craziness. My senior year of high school I got into a pretty bad fight with one of my best friends. We fought because we loved each other, we spent too much time together, we did not give each other enough room to breathe and grow. We fought with harsh words, relentlessly and immaturely. Eventually the fighting escalated and we ended our friendship. We let two years pass us by. I was devastated. He was my best friend. During the entire two years of silence between him and I, there was not a day to pass where I did not think about just apologizing. I remember thinking for the first time about how fucking short life is, and how I wanted him to be there for it all. I was driving down Route 25 and I swear to you, I had such an epiphany. I did not want to live with grudges. I kept replaying my future over and over. I was so saddened by the shortness of life, a concept that a day before was seemingly meaningless to my young life. I was 20 years-old and I was crying about not having enough time to be with those I loved. The pettiness that came between my ex-best friend and I was minute compared to the desire I had to get my relationships in order- to fix things. Thankfully we made amends and he is my best friend still, as if nothing had changed except a bit of maturity. As of right now, I have never held a grudge. I always accept apologizes and move on. I will never waste my time being angry at anyone.

But now, four years later, I am dealing with the same thing. The question is not how I am supposed to fix what is broken, but why do I always need to be the one who fixes it? I would like to think that there is no relationship so severely ruined that it was beyond repair.

I have so many unanswered questions. Why is it so hard for certain people to get off their high horse and apologize? I just cannot do it anymore. I cannot continue to show desperation and weakness for the sake of a relationship which has no tell-tale signs of working out again anyway. Before we know it ten more years will pass us and we will be past the point of return- where reasoning is stale and apologies are pointless. We will have missed holidays, birthdays, special occasions, nights out, nights in, chitchats, heart-to-hearts, all that makes up a loving relationship, all in the name of stubbornness.

I am continuing to trudge through the hateful words, ignorance, and attempts at jealousy to stay focused on what is important. What is important right now are those people who never left my side or used my past to judge me. I hate ignoring those I have loved, especially the ones who have made such a difference in my life. I just think it may be the only real way to move on. I am not saying sorry anymore. It is not my turn. I want to put faith in those people to take time and think about how they just might really need me in their life.

People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than for being right. - Joanne Kathleen Rowling

Well upon reading advice by the masses, I began to generalize what each writer was trying to get across. I started to feel as if I was trapped in the Twilight Zone of blogs, clicking wildly from one to another. Both sexes were rambling on about the same old stuff, what to look for in a partner. Uck. I just wanted to read something vulgar and obscene; a different kind of insight, but I could not take my eyes off the page. I was zoned into the ocean of black words that were infringing on my ability to click the little “X” at the top right of the web browser.

Forgiving, respectful, honest, loving, down-to-earth, smart, yeah, those are all key characteristics to have in this life. I wanted to comment on each and every one… “DUH!” Who wouldn’t want to have someone in their life that has all of that? It is like when you are listening to your friend babble about what they look for in a partner.

“Well, they have to be trustworthy and determined. You know, like, they have to be a hard-worker and enjoy their family time. Oh, and they have to be caring,” Friend X says.

Caring as in takes in stray cats to the point where A&E is scoping out their house for the next season of Animal Hoarders? Has so much “respect for themselves” that they need to bless themselves with Holy Water before entering a bar? A sexy outfit is ‘not them’ and taking whiskey shots is demoralizing; only easy girls take shots. God comes first, reading is a must, and “live, laugh, love” is their motto. Fuck. What a good catch.

However, we know those redundant qualities are important to us all, when they are not taken to the extreme, such as above (trust that those people exist), but when that person comes around are you counting the ways in which they are honest about their life story and respectful towards elders? Distinguishing the basics actually takes a bit of time to discover in someone new. What do you first notice aside from his striking blue eyes or her long lean legs? Do they paint to pass the time, write passionately, play a sport, have a knack for interior design or live to travel the country on a dime? Do they enjoy beer festivals and music you never really listen to? These are the characteristics that make a person and they lie right on the surface of the personality. They do not have to try too hard or go out of their comfort zone to let you know they really dig underground hip-hop and have been going to shows in the city for years. 

Using these boyfriend/girlfriend-picking tools are what separates the unique “always keeps me on my toes” type of people from those merely suitable for companionship in all the technical ways. So are those defiant people already taken by others that are equally as cool as them? Maybe. But thinking like that is no bueno for the most part. You will just settle for someone boring and plain. Yeah, I can be a bitch, sorry. Well, I am assuming we all know what it is like to just settle because it feels comfortable. So I will skip over that, because it is identical to beating a dead horse.

A relationship that is going to last a long time are the ones where the two of you have different interests; interests that do not include what the entire general population most likely does on the regular. I mean, reading books and doing puzzles are fantastic little activities to do, I am not knocking either. I participate in both. I am talking about having separate lives that can be rubbed off on each other. You and your lover will never have a dull moment, unless it is in bed together when you are about to fall asleep- and even then, you would not consider it dull.

Wait, you do this every Saturday night?

I know a couple who were completely different from the start. He listens to reggae and makes jewelry and hemp goods by hand for fun, and acquires a small amount of money from it. He is so good at it, too- matching one beautiful stone with another- and doing this all day because he loves it. She owns her own pricey boutique in Fairfield County, none of his stuff was sold there. She loved high heels, lipstick and pop music. He appreciates her for all that she is (which could be a little diva-licious at times). They are two different people, but they love each for all their differences; in hobbies, music, and so on.

So let us rework those overused sought after traits (feel free to find your own): creative, risk-taking, intelligent and cultured, well-read, well-spoken, assertive, dedicated to continually being a better person. Ahh, that sounds so refreshing!

Being taken to a concert where you know two songs and only because your significant other tried to teach you a couple before the show is so much fun. When that night is all said and done, it is your turn to give him a piece of you. For as long as you both remain individuals you will stay together, and more importantly happy together. That is really how I feel. Forget all the classic nonsense we bust our asses trying to find in a person, they are there somewhere and if not, you will find out sure enough.

(best movie ever)

I want more people to use non-generic terms when they vent to me about what they want. You will find yourself falling out of the same routine of “I’m with him/her”… “We broke up.” Apparently their approach to finding someone is not working. I will bet it is because they are either not digging too deep, or digging entirely too deep.

So you are not being picky when you say you want someone who uses their imagination or wears rose-colored glasses. You are breaking down the ever-so-lame character categories that we expect the entire world to be a part of. Do you not want more? You deserve more.

There seems to be proof in the numbers. If there are hundreds, possibly thousands of blogs out there discussing this topic on an ongoing basis, we are all obviously doing something wrong.

Try doing it differently for a change. Open your eyes to the little things that make people what they are and it could mean the difference between relationship status and staying single and bitter.

Happy Monday to all! 

Utilitarianism is the view that in order to generate the most good from an action, one must sacrifice their own happiness if it will benefit a greater cause. Throughout the lecture I was listening, but my mind had eventually wandered off into its appropriate corner to dissect this a bit. It seems that every class I do this; take bits and pieces of the conversation and fit them into my life to try and make sense of people and how they act from a philosophical point of view. Surprisingly, it actually helps clear the confusion that can come from post-friendship breakups. Of course, thinking this way can be detrimental to any newly forming relationship. I believe I am just cursed, or blessed, with a severely overactive brain when it comes to trying to figure out situations (especially those that do not go my way). My friends always look at me with surprised eyes when I give them some analytical explanation as to why someone did something to me.

“Oh my God, Sarah, really? You are totally overthinking this.” – says concerned and emotionally exhausted due to Sarah’s problems best friend.

What if I am for once not overthinking? Maybe they are just [underthinking] pulling the shades on the hidden truths. I am no psychologist, but sometimes it is not that hard to read people. Thanks, mandatory college philosophy course for giving me new ways to dissect the problematic situations that are ever so present in my life.

Although we are most used to doing such in classes like psychology, I feel that using these ethical theories is strangely more accurate, as I do not believe by any means that science holds all the answers.

I took people- friends, and not so liked figures from my recent past- and easily fit them into that bitch of a puzzle that has been giving me a headache for too long. It was easy for me to put my closest friends in a respectable category. I used the appropriate moral thought processes, disregarding all material aspects of their personalities, should there have been any and knew instantly why they were in my life. They are honest and trustworthy people who would and do go out of their way regularly to make me happy. Who am I to deserve this? I make abnormal amounts of mistakes on a daily basis. I oftentimes put my happiness first, regardless of the greater good. I am obviously, to them, someone they feel is worth a place in their life, spending time with and going out of their way to way to make happy. But what about… the others?

Breaking down the bad things about a person always seems too easy to do, especially in time of frustration and betrayal. We can use philosophical ideas of what a person is like, or we can just use our heads sans any college information overload induced coma.

For the most part, and in my experience especially, people always claim they are a good person. Some might even go on to give reasons as to why they are deserving of our approval, why they are entitled to happiness and friendship, love and success. Does the self-justification show a red flag? It has for me. When a person goes out of their way to shove down your throat, to prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt they are ideal for good karma and rightful of our time, should we believe them? Absolutely not. How cynical, Sarah!

Hayley, how philosophical of you!

I think I can appropriately throw in another philosophy term here: hedonism. The correct definition according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary is “the doctrine that pleasure or happiness is the sole or chief good in life.” If a friend of two years is suddenly trying to court you, they may overfeed their “good qualities” to you when you have already eaten it all up already- full from the bullshit. With every hang out session you hear the same old explanation as to why ” they just cannot seem to find the right one”, but start to realize differences and flaws in their story. In cases such as these, you are most likely dealing with a hedonist. Someone who is looking to solely suit their needs and gain personal pleasure; a man or woman obeying the rules of the chase. Maybe their mind is so warped from telling the same story for a quarter of their life that they actually believe the lies they are telling.

Time and time again, you will run into people who use this type of facade with only intentions to benefit an individual greater good. Whether it be sexual or because they need attention, people like this are normally the ones that end up alone for a long time. They will become serial daters, non-monogamous romantics who are disastrously in love with themselves (or have zero self-confidence) that they do not even realize they are hurting everyone around them. The truth is, they will never be satisfied with anyone until the innocent give in to their game, which is unfortunately only momentary and superficial.

Avoiding people like this is a hard game to play, which requires attention to detail and a sturdy wall between the two of you to block off any potential for hurt. Tearing down this wall will take time and a whole lot of proven trust. Just like addicting dating shows where the normally confident woman cries to the womanizing bachelor that she is ‘too afraid to let her guard down’, sometimes we all have to go through that unfortunate phase of withdrawal and skepticism, especially if it distinguishes between a toxic and real relationship.

I say, do not be afraid to whip out that less-used section of your brain to break down character traits. As long as you are not doing this with everyone, you are safe to use these tactics. Only is it necessary when you feel you are being betrayed, deceived, or worse- need to decide whether or not to end a relationship.

We are taught to apply what we learn in school to our actual lives, so using abstract knowledge to decipher people should not feel extravagant. We are young and responsible for our well-being and sanity, do not waste time. If you feel something is off in a relationship, get your Clue on and figure it out. Sometimes the signs are not always so clear. Use what those thousands of dollars in education taught us and make intelligent decisions that will gear you up for a life of positivity.

If only Noah were a real person...

You cannot change a soul on this Earth. If you try to justify your attempts to change your significant other it makes you weak. Going out of your way to be more of a kickass person than you already are so you can prove to them that you are relationship material is a waste of time. Like drugs and alcohol, you are enabling them to get what they want: emotion, sex, material things, and the comfort in knowing you will be there tomorrow and the day after to do it all again. If they cannot see you for all the greatness that you have to offer a relationship, there is just no use in trying. This will become a sick cycle and only you will be hurt in the end.

So here is the scenario: You are in the third grade again, high-water denim pants, scrunchies, side-ponytails and all. But more importantly, you know what you like and what you do not. Think about it. When mom made you eat brussel sprouts, you threw a fit. Hell to the no you were not about to go on a playdate with little Kelly, she was a bitch at recess and you refuse to go to her stupid house. To top it all off, those rumors that you had a crush on Bobby the Dodgeball King could not be any less true. He always picked you last and would flirt around the playground anyway, never picking any one girl first consecutively for his team- ever! Now if Bobby had made time to play with your Polly Pocket and told you that you were pretty every day, you might like him. So what was all the fuss about? And when the group of cool kids bugged you about it, you told them to shove it. By the way, you preferred the nerdy types anyway, not just whoever gave you attention. Yes, in the third grade you knew why you liked someone. However minute and simple the details, you would not compromise yourself then, so why now? Making decisions and speaking up for the most part was easy.

Eight years old brings the oh-so-missed carelessness of not having responsibilities (or stresses about relationships). However, the best way to associate your past self with your new one is to think of how you would handle that disrespecting, no good boy or girlfriend then. Where did those inhibitions go? If your man is irking you until no end because all he does is watch SportsCenter all day, leaving no room for “couple time”, what would you have done then? Damn right you would have told him.  I suggest we all look at relationships, including friendships, this way. If you use the mindset of a third grader when deciding whether or not this relationship is right for your lifestyle and needs, you would be surprised how on target this way of thinking can be. You are only wasting valuable time by lingering in a relationship that is not up to par with your expectations. You, first and foremost, deserve to be happy.

Are you smarter than a third grader when it comes to your personal relationships? You are most likely (hopefully) now capable of making even deeper decisions and can balance action and consequence better than you were 15 or so years ago. But remember that the answer does not always lie so deep down below the surface. Maybe sometimes we use our intelligence too proudly and over-analyze, over-think and make excuses for what has been obvious all along in the eyes of our third grade selves.