Snooping: Who Really Wins?

Snooping is not for the faint of heart. When we were younger, poking around was fun. I did it all the time to my sisters; I read their diaries and listened quietly on the other end of the phone to learn juicy middle school gossip. All was innocent and youthful meddling. But should we cut ourselves off from snooping at a certain age, or a particular point in a relationship? That answer depends on if you are emotionally ready to handle whatever you may find.

Trust is a top-ranking quality we look for in friends and potential significant others. If we feel we do have trust in our partners, what still gives us the urge to look through phones, attempt password hacks, or delve into a full-fledged Facebook investigation? I still do a little snoop action from time to time. Situations oftentimes trigger me to inquire further information; a habit I’d like to let go.

The strangest thing about snooping is that when we are in the act, there is almost this sick part of us that wants to find something wrong. We want some kind of twisted validation for spying on the man or woman we love. Which leads me to this story my girl friend, Jane*, was telling me over dinner on Saturday night.

She has been intimate with her good friend for over a year, but they are not exclusive to one another. I know him well and from what she tells me and from what I see, the two of them really care about each other. Jane feels completely fulfilled by this guy, physically, so she does not date around or engage in sexual activity with others. What he does, neither I nor Jane know.  checkingbfcell

So when she told me that she was able to get into his phone one night after he fell asleep, I knew the rest of the conversation was going to suck. I nervously chugged my glass of wine because I am somewhat awful at relationship advice.

Jane read a group text message between her guy and his two friends (whom she had never met). The guy who Jane had been in love with for over a year was telling his friends about an intimate encounter the two of them had engaged in. The random sexual romp was unique, so she knew it was about her, and upon reading more, that thought was solidified when he quoted something in particular she had said before the action went down. The kicker was when he referred to her as “this chick.” He followed the story with “hahaha,” comparing it to some high school memories, in which his friends responded with an over-abundance of LOL’s. One friend concluded the pathetic conversation saying he “remembered those days.”

Jane cannot say anything to her guy because then he will know she snooped through his phone, violating his privacy. On the other hand, she feels violated and disrespected. Not only do his friends not know about her, but a private moment they had mutually enjoyed was being championed around like a victory some frat boys would high-five over. When is it time to stop kissing and telling? Is it still okay to share tidbits of sexy gossip if it is done respectfully; by referring to your lover by who and what they truly are?

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My 2 qualms with this tacky text:

He's 28 years-old. 

There is no reason for a man his age to be engaging in teenage-like group texts. He should have more respect for her as a woman, and as a friend. There is an age when we need to leave behaviors behind, and gossiping, especially for a guy, is an insane turn-off.

He says one thing and does another

Jane told me they are in love and profess this to each other regularly. Does comparing high school sex to the sex you have with a partner you look in the eyes and claim love for qualify as such?

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Was it wrong for Jane to look through her man’s phone? If they are not in an exclusive relationship, does that give him the right to discuss whatever he would like with his friends? And more importantly, how does Jane move on from thinking that she is just a chick who wanted to please someone she loved by being spontaneously sexual?

Snooping can be emotionally dangerous; it is a type of self-inflicting pain that draws us in time and time again. However, most people who do it feel it is necessary for whatever reason. Whether we continue to give in to these acts depends on how confident and comfortable we are in our relationships. Maybe when we find ourselves needing to know more, we should just know to move on.

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Friends With Benefits: Does it Work?

I know people who have a very x-rated dating life and some who can relate more to a nun on the North Pole. But if there’s anything I’ve heard far too much debate on, it’s about friends with benefits.

Does it work? The consensus throughout my group of friends (split women and men) is that it works depending on the type of person you are and your expectations.

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Pros

  • Physical pleasure
  • The feeling of being wanted
  • Temporary emotional relief
  • Not feeling guilty afterwards (he’s not some stranger you met at happy hour)
  • Sex on the regular

Cons

  • Emotional attachment
  • Potential loss of friendship
  • Raging jealousy
  • Raging jealousy
  • Raging jealousy

I asked two of my good college friends who are currently single but having a sexual relationship with their best friend of the opposite sex. Take a look!

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Friend 1

Me: “Tell me about your friends-with-benefits relationship. How long have you known her as friends?”

*Adam: “I’ve known *Ashley since we were freshmen in high school. She dated my ex best-friend and when they broke up we got a lot closer… but just as friends, no hooking up until recently. My friend moved to Texas for college and *Ashley stayed local. We spent so much time together and still do. She’s my best girl friend. Chillest girl I know.”

Me: “When did you start to feel a physical attraction towards *Ashley? How did you know it was time to pursue something more?”

*Adam: “Ashley is a hot girl. I always felt that way about her but being her friend and doing so much fun sh*t with her was the best part of it all. We were at Gotham [a local club] when I first kissed her. Things just escalated from there and now it’s a normal thing for us to hook-up.”

Me: “Why don’t you guys just make it official?”

*Adam: “She hasn’t made any indication that she’s ready for that. *Ashley does her thing and I do mine, but mostly we do our thing together [laughs].  If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen. I’m happy just being with her in whatever situation, I’m almost positive she feels the same way about it as I do.”

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Friend 2

Me: “So I know you’re single, but tell me about your relationship with *Matt.”

*Lauren: “We’ve been really close friends for like six years. He was a friend of a friend and eventually he became part of our close-knit group. We’re best friends, although he’s great friends with everyone I hang with. It’s pretty awesome. I never thought about him in that way, but after a while of doing everything together it just happened.

Me: “How did it just happen?”

*Lauren: “There was a lot of sexual tension, all the time. I didn’t know what to do with it, I mean I was seeing other guys and stuff… so I kinda loved the attention. But when he made a move on me and I didn’t back away, that started this whole messed up situation I’m in now.”

Me: “Can you tell me a little about it?”

*Lauren: “Put this in your blog: Don’t f*ck around with your friend. The way I deal with it and the way he deals with it are totally different. I’m pissed about pretty much everything he does without me… it was never like that. I stay checking his Instagram and Twitter. I notice everything and it pisses me off because I’m jealous. I wasn’t jealous before we hooked up, but of course… I still hook-up with him.”

Me: “Did you ever think about talking it over with him? To see how he feels?”

Lauren*: “I thought about it but I don’t want to scare him off. At the end of the day he’s someone I care about and would hate myself for losing over my crazy emotions. I just hate that he still goes out with other girls. I f*cking hate it. He’ll always be my best guy friend but I don’t think he sees a future for us like that.  Actually, I think if I don’t get my feelings in check soon, I’ll ruin any kind of relationship we ever had.”

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