Let the Spanking Begin: 50 Shades of Grey

I never even read the book. I tried the first chapter and was so horrified by the quality of writing I could not go further. Upon reading online book reviews and trolling through their comment sections, I concluded that the author, E.L. James, is in desperate need of a thesaurus. She apparently recycles the same sexy-time activity adjectives on every page. Many a friend who has read the series has openly admitted their distaste for some of the language as well, and they didn’t mean it was too inappropriate (not my dirty birdie friends!)

Well, for one… I don’t want to get all “excited” about a romance novel and then have the author describe the super sexy, super rich, super naughty Christian Grey’s main body part as a “member.”

If the book is targeted for young adult females, we know what it is called, so just say it! “Member” is about as much of a turn on as being woken up to do it in the morning against your partner’s better judgement to brush their teeth first.

On top of it all, the girl who is “lucky” enough to receive his “member,” well, her lady parts are referred to as, “her sex.”

Barf.

Since I didn’t read it, I can’t continue my shit-talking. But what I do know is that the cast for the movie adaptation of James’ hit series has been revealed.

Anastasia Steele (total pornstar name, by the way) will be played by the virtually unknown Dakota Johnson. She’s pretty! I hope she’s ready to be tied up and slapped in the face for fun. That happens, doesn’t it?

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The reason I will go to the movies to see this flick is for Charlie Hunnam. The Sons of Anarchy star is sure to fill out the role of Christian Grey perfectly. What a hunk.

By the way, if the movie is written by anyone other than the original author, which is more than likely to happen, it actually may have the potential to be a mediocre sex-driven drama that will maybe even deserve a second viewing. People like this type of movie and I predict that regardless of who was announced as the lead roles, 50 Shades of Grey will rake in big bucks in the box office.

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So, did you read 50 Shades of Grey? Do you agree with the casting?