A Rant on Dating: 5 Things I Am Over

I’m thrilled to be guest posting here for my girl Sarah, who is amazing. For those of you who came here expecting Sarah’s wisdom and instead are being bombarded by this rant, allow me to introduce myself: I am a 24-year old morning person with a passion for healthy living, writing, playing, and vodka tonics. I adore orgasms for breakfast and espresso in the afternoon, and I like to write about sex, dating, food and pop culture on my own website, SexyTofu.com. (Oh, and I’m a vegan. Thus the tofu.)

When it comes to “adult” dating, I am pretty awkward. I’m used to meeting guys through friends and at parties a la college, and so, last fall when I found myself single for the first time in years, I was pretty uncomfortable doing the whole get-to-know-you dinner thing. I mean, finding a compatible partner is difficult! There are a ton of things that come into play, including common interests, aligning values, fluid conversation and rapport, and sexual chemistry. But there are some general things that, when it comes to dating, I am over. Some are small and trivial and some are more important. Here are a handful. Now remember these are my opinions, so you don’t have to agree!

Chewing gum – When I was on the prowl, I met a guy through mutual friends who seemed mildly interesting. And by mildly interesting, I mean I was mildly interested in creating a pile of his clothing on my bedroom floor—like I said, on the prowl! We met at a party and throughout the evening he was chomping gum, really loud while he talked to me. I thought it was a bit obnoxious. I ran into him at a bar a few days later, and he was again chomping away. While we spoke, I could practically see his tonsils. I have probably run into him about 20 times since, and never without the loud obnoxious cow jaw going on. Since then, I have this weird thing against gum chompers. You want to pop a piece of gum in your mouth to ensure your breath is fresh? Fine by me. But if we’re having a conversation and you’re snapping your orbit all up in my face, I will turn around and leave. This goes for everyone, not just dudes whose manparts I am considering handling.

Hair product – I love a dude with nice hair. I want to run my fingers through it. I am a creep and probably also want to smell it. If we’re gettin’ down, I want to tug on it. But I do NOT want to feel crusty old hair gel.  If your hair product makes your hair hard and flakey, switch to something that keeps the hold but leaves the natural feel, like pomade. Hair crust is not hot. Actually, any sort of bodily crust is probably best to stay away from.

Keep it that way, Pauly D

Jealousy – Jealousy is interesting. A bit of healthy jealousy can be good, and make you feel appreciated. But the type of jealousy that causes a partner to read your text messages and despise all of your platonic friends is not hot, because this type of jealousy is fueled by insecurity. My guy actually likes it when guys hit on me at the bar, only because he knows he can swoop in and give me a kiss at the exact moment when the other dude thinks he is making solid footwork. It makes him feel manly and confident, and that makes me feel good.

Joe Jonas, can I use your blush/raid your wardrobe?

Joe Jonas, can I use your blush/raid your wardrobe?

Flaunting your high maintenance – I once went out with a guy who was so freaked out about his nice shoes getting wet, he carried around a bag and a replacement pair of shoes because it was supposed to rain. He was a nice guy, but it was such a turn off that I couldn’t help but writing about it on the Internet like an insensitive ass. Er…twice. If you spend a lot of time thinking about your outfit, that’s great. I probably have made a mental note about how well dressed you are. But I don’t want to know about it. Please let me continue to imagine you roll out of bed looking like that. You’re ruining my fantasy, and if you continue, I will begin talking about how all women poop. (We do!) This goes for women too. If you’re high maintenance, that’s fine, but TRY and keep it to yourself.

Whining – Everyone has a bad day, or a stressful problem, or an argument with a friend or coworker. And I am all for talking about it. Everyone needs to vent. But if you’re just bitching, and in no search of a solution, then your negativity is going to rub off on me and my ladybits are going to go into hibernation. Don’t wanna go to work tomorrow? Suck it up. Unless they work in the Google office with a slide for stairs, then I doubt anyone is overly excited about work tomorrow. Whining reminds me of children—and I don’t want to felate a child…which is a good thing.

Okay, so tell me what you’re over! Any fun adventures in dating you want to share?