Skipping My Turn in the Game of Games
Myself, my sister Rachel (center) and my sister Tina (right) back in the day
As of lately, I have been coming across situations where people who are extremely close to me feel that my opinion does not matter. They swear they are mature enough to make decisions for themselves which are apparently no good for their life; decisions which are burdening their health, their success and their future as anything productive in this world. I would not interfere if I did not see particular people to be hazardous to them. The warning signs are there, but they choose to ignore them and everyone around who disagrees with them. Why do I not qualify for certain peoples’ time? Do years of intimate relationships, sisterhood, best friendship mean nothing? How could anyone else, someone who has been around for the blink of an eye, take precedent over our important relationship? I am so sick and tired of it. On top of it all, I have been constantly judged for a ton of mistakes I made years ago. I cannot describe the betrayal and pain I feel when things that are so far behind me are brought to my attention, just when I feel I am making enormous progress with my personal self and growth. These are accomplishments that I would have hoped some people would have stuck around to see. Progression that those same people helped instill in me. The few people who I presently feel this way about would be so proud to see that I took their advice. But they are currently too busy in their corner being callous and insensitive; as if they forgot how important I was in their life.
There are those relationships that have been broken that we learn to move on from, but what about the ones that we know we cannot let go of? Those which are too important to let go of? How do we get back the trust, love and companionship of someone who used to be so close to us? I have no advice. I really just want to know the answer.
Chris and myself on our Florida trip in 2004
So of course, upon the over-analyzing of my fading and failing relationships, I began to think about all of the friends that have come and gone, especially of those who were by my side despite my craziness. My senior year of high school I got into a pretty bad fight with one of my best friends. We fought because we loved each other, we spent too much time together, we did not give each other enough room to breathe and grow. We fought with harsh words, relentlessly and immaturely. Eventually the fighting escalated and we ended our friendship. We let two years pass us by. I was devastated. He was my best friend. During the entire two years of silence between him and I, there was not a day to pass where I did not think about just apologizing. I remember thinking for the first time about how fucking short life is, and how I wanted him to be there for it all. I was driving down Route 25 and I swear to you, I had such an epiphany. I did not want to live with grudges. I kept replaying my future over and over. I was so saddened by the shortness of life, a concept that a day before was seemingly meaningless to my young life. I was 20 years-old and I was crying about not having enough time to be with those I loved. The pettiness that came between my ex-best friend and I was minute compared to the desire I had to get my relationships in order- to fix things. Thankfully we made amends and he is my best friend still, as if nothing had changed except a bit of maturity. As of right now, I have never held a grudge. I always accept apologizes and move on. I will never waste my time being angry at anyone.
But now, four years later, I am dealing with the same thing. The question is not how I am supposed to fix what is broken, but why do I always need to be the one who fixes it? I would like to think that there is no relationship so severely ruined that it was beyond repair.
I have so many unanswered questions. Why is it so hard for certain people to get off their high horse and apologize? I just cannot do it anymore. I cannot continue to show desperation and weakness for the sake of a relationship which has no tell-tale signs of working out again anyway. Before we know it ten more years will pass us and we will be past the point of return- where reasoning is stale and apologies are pointless. We will have missed holidays, birthdays, special occasions, nights out, nights in, chitchats, heart-to-hearts, all that makes up a loving relationship, all in the name of stubbornness.
I am continuing to trudge through the hateful words, ignorance, and attempts at jealousy to stay focused on what is important. What is important right now are those people who never left my side or used my past to judge me. I hate ignoring those I have loved, especially the ones who have made such a difference in my life. I just think it may be the only real way to move on. I am not saying sorry anymore. It is not my turn. I want to put faith in those people to take time and think about how they just might really need me in their life.
People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than for being right. - Joanne Kathleen Rowling
